Portugal is nice.
I liked the Jurassic World movie.
I also have a very strong craving that comes and goes that drives my open mouth down on top of a series of Cool Ranch Doritos™.
If you’re lazy and you want to just skip to the TL;DR, simply click here.
Anyway, my love for both Doritos™ and steak led me to really wanting to try out these new Steak flavoured (there’s a ‘u’ in this word because I’m Canadian; don’t @ me) Doritos™.
Then, on the flip-side of things, Eryn had just returned from Portugal’s Porto region with a couple of wines. We like wine the way that cats like catnip — on occasion, we can be found rolling and frolicking in it.
Now, here’s how I’m going to relay this tale of boujee-ass living:
First I’m going to tell you about the Steak Doritos™.
Second I’m going to tell you about the 2015 Galharda Tinto.
Third I’m going to tell you what the pairing of these two things is like.
Steak Doritos™ — an abomination, or a gift from on high?
Eh. I am going to be uncompromisingly concise and real here: These things are gross.
On their own, they’re nearly intolerable. They smell like dog treats that were shaved down into chips and baked. And I believe the smell is an accurate representation of how they taste.
Alright. That’s all I’ve got on the Steak Doritos™.
2015 Galharda Tinto
This was an incredibly hard find online for any information that the bottle and our taste buds didn’t freely offer up.
First of all, yes, this is a 2015 vintage. Galharda is the name of the winery, and the winery (and thus the wine) is located in the Duoro region, within the Duoro Valley. The Duoro Valley is a gorgeous place with wineries lining the hills all along a long river. This is near Porto, which immediately informs the snobs among us that this bottle had been found in the region for Port wines and, as might be expected, may have some Port qualities as it is made with a few grapes typically in Port wines.
The last remaining word to cover here is “Tinto.” Simply meaning “Red” in english, this wine is a standard red table wine and it contains three grape varietals: Touriga Nacional, Touriga Francesca, and Tempranillo.
So, what this essentially means is that they used a typical Port grape that’s considered to be Portugal’s finest, another typical Port grape, and then a really dark coloured and typically heavy bodied grape to round it out as a table wine.
While smooth with really mild tannins, this wine has a heavy mouth-feel and an ability to give you wonderfully purple wine-lips if consumed with the lust befitting a thirsty wine-o. But, as suspected in a wine from Duoro, it was a little bit sweeter and honestly did not come across as a very straight-faced, serious, stand-alone wine.
So let’s give it a dance partner and make this bitch dance Corridinho style.
Together, the wine and the Steak Doritos™ work.
Together, the flavours of both elements are enhanced and they combine to make a surprisingly pleasant taste.
The texture of the Doritos™ manages to trap and soak up some of the wine, making the flavours inescapable from one another and forcing the combination to take place across your tongue.
It almost tastes like a cherry and raspberry-based steak rub.
This straight up makes these gross Steak Doritos™ edible. But, honestly? We found that even though the pairing works, and together, you can very thoroughly enjoy both the wine and the Doritos™, this still could use another ingredient.
This couple became a thruple, as if to live into now. I mean — hell — it’s 2018.
We introduced some cheese strings. Peel ’em up and put it on the Dorito™. Then insert into your gaping maw and throw the wine in there.
This triple-threat is legit. Get some.
Okay, here it goes:
The Steak Doritos™ are awful.
The wine is meh.
Together, they’re great.
Add a cheese string and make the whole thing an absolute delight.
Try it for yourselves and let us know what you think.
Find us on twitter @crimesagainstw1